The Toxic Male Need Not Be So Toxic

Norman working on Tough Guys Don't Dance

I'm not entirely sure where the term toxic male came from, but for sure it's a 21st century phenom. Used to be that a man who was proud of being a man was referred to as a rugged individualist. You know, like the Marlboro Man.

Hemingway fit into this category. Later on, during the turbulent 1960s, Norman Mailer, who was a Hemingway fan (he actually sent Papa a copy of his novel The Naked and the Dead, but Hemingway never responded), would espouse the fact that men and women are indeed, physiologically, emotionally, and biologically different.

He'd enter into heated debates with the likes of Gloria Steinem, while likening women's equality to that of the Civil Rights movement a la Dr. King (Not LBJ who's Great Society was a way to keep minorities on Welfare and therefore voting blue). In other words, if you wish to rise up and improve your lot in life, then by all means, do it as an individual. Prove yourself and your worth. Don't depend on any one politician or the government to do it on your behalf. No one deserves to be POTUS just because of their sex, for instance. 

Bi's and Tri's day...toxic masculinity or just plain living strong...

It's a dangerous time for men. Men are accused of sexual impropriety and all too often it's the accusation that counts, not the proof or lack thereof. Men who are considered macho or ummm "toxic" are seen as a relic of an unhinged past. Men should be more feminine and less traditionally male in attitude and approach. Boys are being taught and raised this way in our schools. In a word, men should apologize for being, well, male. This is not to say there aren't some serious creepers out there who deserve their time in the gulag for what they've done. Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, and Uma's ex-husband, Anthony Weiner come to mind. There are others of course.

But much like the women of this country are collectivizing for their right to do what they want with their bodies, their unborn babies, and their lives, men should not lose sight of the fact that it's okay to be a man. A strong man. I believe that deep down inside, women love strong men by their side rather than wimps. My gym, Planet Fitness, recently removed all the free weight benches from their facilities because they wish not to promote bulky, strong, men. This is, of course, as much fanatical bullshit as their refusal to broadcast FOX News on their many wall-hung televisions, choosing instead to play only the mainstream left leaning stations...CNN, MSNBC, PBS among them (the airports do this too). But then, it's their gym, they can do whatever the hell they want.

That's why I now work out mostly in my own home gym. I like pumping iron. It's not only awesome for the heart, the muscles, and the bones (especially for a middle-aged man who ain't getting any younger), but lifting free weights makes me feel strong and when I feel strong I feel like I can defend myself better, and defend anyone who I might be with at the time. As many of you already know, I was sucker punched by a total coward in a bar in Italy recently, and I swear, if not for my weight lifting regimen, I might have been seriously injured. This guy snuck up behind me, gave it everything he had, and I still walked away and enjoyed a couple drinks after. How's about them apples, coward?

Hemingway also loved to box, and on occasion he would lift weights. Mailer too loved to box and hit the weights when he could. These physical activities didn't make them toxic males, but it did make them quintessentially male. This maleness was reflected in their prose which dramatized characters who said what they meant, and meant what they said and who were willing to back it all up with their fists, if need be, even if it meant they got their ass kicked in the process. It made them rugged and it made them proud. Listen guys, there's nothing wrong with being a man's man, just like there's nothing wrong with respecting a woman and everything she stands for. We can coexist with who we are as a species, who we are as men and women, and as individuals.

As much as things are changing, and as much as the mainstream media gives one the impression that all the old chivalrous traditions are goin' bye bye, well, let me tell you something, over the course of the past year or so I've been on at least a dozen dates, and in almost every case, I paid the bill. Gladly paid the bill, I should say. I also held open the Jeep door for my dates. Because that's the way it should be. I was acting like a man, a proud strong man, and there was nothing toxic about it.

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Don't Force It, Damnit!: Choosing an Indie Publisher III (and Advice for Writers)

Mailer, the overnight sensation...

It's guaranteed to happen once a year. Some unknown author emerges from out of the dark shadows of obscurity and publishes a book that goes through the freakin' roof. The book's sales not only blow away even the most major of commercial authors (think James Patterson and Stephen King here), they could arguably outdo the Gross National Product of some small nation-states.

You, as an author, find yourself shaking your head in dismay. Not only have you never heard of this now overnight-famous author, you have been writing for years and years, published several books, and your annual sales don't even come close to this writer's weekly revenue. You look up his or her bio, and you become even more distraught. The author, the bio claims, has worked as a cook, or a video store clerk, or was on welfare until his book was published and every single reader in the world dropped what they were doing and when out to buy it. Or so it seems.

But wait, where have you gone wrong? You've done everything the right way. You started out by working at the local newspaper, then published short stories in the best literary journals, made your way through writing school, nailed a big contract, began establishing a career of steady sales, fans, and contracts. You've nailed all the Amazon lists and some of the traditional lists as well. You make a nice income and have a nice life. You've done everything right. Shouldn't you be the one with the huge blockbuster that blows the doors (or covers) off all other books published that year?

The novel that sealed the young author's fate.

If only logic had something...anything at all...to do with the publishing business. 

So what are your options? Sit down and read these books? Try and uncover their magic? Maybe you can somehow write a book just like them. Maybe you don't know it yet, but you're the author of the next A Million Little Pieces, 50 Shades of Gray, or Harry Potter. So you set your sights on writing something with a plot and characters that don't necessarily interest you, but you're sure contains the perfect recipe for the next bestseller.

Big mistake.

Back in 1998, an agent in NYC suggested I write a novel with a black man as the detective protagonist because that was the "in thing." I didn't do it. What do I know about writing from a black man's perspective? Why should it interest me? Besides, James Patterson was already doing it, and I would just seem like a copy cat. Fact is, many of these huge bestsellers are often, one-shot, one-hit-wonders. Tremendous pressure is placed on the author to duplicate not only the book, but also the sales. Usually, both fail to meet the grade established by the initial blockbuster success. Norman Mailer, who nailed one of these hits right out of the gate, witnessed the near dismantling of his career with two follow-up books that stunk up the joint, even if they were brilliantly written.

Many of the big one-time hits, however, aren't very well written. They create a hysteria not because of their value as a piece of literature, but simply because they have touched a trendy nerve. Again, referring to Mailer, he once said of these books, "The popularity of bad writing is analogous to the enjoyment of fast food." This is not to say all of these books are bad (after all, in the final analysis, even filet mignon ends up in the same porcelain God as the Big Mac). Some are brilliantly written and will stand the test of time (think Wool by Hugh Howey and Grisham's The Firm). Inevitably, the value of these novels is up to you, the reader.

But as a writer, what should you do in order to become a mega-famous, overnight sensational bestseller? As you mature, and practice your craft, you will come to realize that writing only about the things that interest you is the best and most trusted method of staying the often agonizing course of a full novel, which can take upwards of up to a year to write. In other words, don't force it, or else you'll end up like a rabid dog always chasing its tail (or in this case, tale...forgive me). Attempting to figure out why one book sells better than others is not only an inexact science, it is an absurd science devoid of logic, but chuck full of emotion. We all want to have that one book that sells a thousand or more copies per day for weeks or months. I've had the good luck of nailing a couple of these, but for every bestselling book I write, I have two or three that I can't even get my mother to buy.

The next time a relative unknown author scores a million seller right off the bat, remember, that author could have written a hundred novels before nailing his first huge success. Or, it could be his first and sadly, his only success. This is a business that just can't be controlled or trusted. The only thing you can trust is yourself to write a well as you can, as steadily as possible, and to practice the nail biting discipline day in and day out that's required of the next huge overnight sensational bestseller.

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Show Up for Work

There is a delicate balance between the conscious you and the unconscious you. You don't live with the unconscious so much as you develop a relationship with it, much like you would a wife or husband. A relationship built on trust. In a good marriage, you trust one another. Whereas a bad marriage is full of distrust and disharmony. I'm not the first one to figure this out. Norman Mailer did before me. So have other very productive authors like Stephen King and Hemingway, for instance. Freud figured it out while on a coke jag.

If you tell yourself you are going to be writing tomorrow morning, make sure you show up at your writing desk. Doesn't matter what might get in the way, be it hangover (again, these are Mailer's words), sickness, injury, Apocalypse, whatever. If, before bed, you promise yourself you're going to be working come morning, your unconscious will go to work on the book you are writing while you are sleeping. When you wake up and begin the process of putting words on a page, the product you produce will not have come entirely from the conscious you, but the unconscious you who has been working all night. This is why three hours of writing can whiz by in what appears to be a matter of minutes. Often we're not even aware of what we've written until we go back and read the pages.

Once more taking Mailer's cue, if you can train yourself to be true to your unconscious and show up for work day after day, then be sure to be honest with it when you need to take a day off. Tell yourself, "Tomorrow I'm not going to work. Tomorrow I'm going to have fun." Your unconscious mind will, in turn, take the night off and in the morning you won't be plagued with story ideas and plot points banging around the inside of your skull like a dozen bees that can't get out.

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The Narcissist

Norman Mailer, a self proclaimed novelist/narcissist.

We create and carry on conversations with ourselves. We live as much on the interior as we do the exterior. Perhaps more so. We make sure to catch passing glances at ourselves every time we walk by mirrors not because we think our hair might be out of place, or something might be smeared on our lips, but because we are the most important person in the room. 

We wake up and we prop ourselves up for the day's work head, convincing ourselves that we are the best at what we do. No one can beat us. We are brilliant and the world is ours for the conquering. We might have spent the night besides someone else. A precious loved one perhaps. But we have most definitely slept with ourselves and we will face the day with ourselves.

We Google ourselves.
We check our Amazon rankings obsessively.
We check to see if our name pops up in the news.
We imagine that our marketing peeps think only of us.
We send proposals and stories to editors and agents, and wonder why they don't get back to us 
     within the hour.
We cheer ourselves when the work is going well and beat the shit out of ourselves when it is going
     terribly.
We measure our life, deadline to deadline.
We break hearts because it's the romantic thing to do.
We drive by a car wreck and see a story in it.
We drink too much, eat too much, exercise too much, nap too much, sleep too little, worry a lot,
     ignore problems, and put off the bills.
We dream of escape while escaping, envision dirty sex while making love, feel pain when
     laughing, keep to ourselves when socializing in our favorite bar, make ourselves the center of
     attention at a dinner party thrown in someone else's honor....

We are narcissists and novelists and our world revolves around us. Notice I'm writing from the "We" POV. Whoever said there is no "I" in "We" ain't never been to a writer's conference. There is no bigger collection of "I's" in the world than a writer's conference. Still we feel compelled to attend. After all it will help propel the career forward...My career.

So, novelist, what will you do with yourself today?

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