Showing posts with label amazon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amazon. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Gaining Strength During Severe Pandemic


 

I've always been a weight lifter and a cross trainer. But it seems like over the past few months I've been really hitting the weights hard. With the gyms being shut down, I turned my living room into a full free weight gym, complete with a flat/incline bench, squat rack, dead lift station, dumbbell rack, and even a boxing/heavy bag station. 

And I've been making some gains to be sure, even at my ripe old age of 56. At the same time, I recorded a few YouTube videos displaying my efforts (my grunts and groans) to share with you also. Here's three of them: 

 

 




 

By the way: some of you might be wondering where my website, www.vincentzandri.com ran off to. Turns out the domain host went belly up and some Asian outfit snatched up my address and now want thousands from me to get it back. I don't negotiate with intellectual property thieves. 

Instead I'm using this as an opportunity to build a new website (long overdue), and changing my domain to the much easier to spell, www.vinzandri.com...It's still a WIP but it will be live, hopefully, by the end of the month or sooner. 

In the meantime, don't forget to check out my new Thriller (which debuted at No. 2 at Barnes & Noble and stayed in the top ten for weeks), The Girl Who Wasn't There. It's presently enjoying a 4.2 rating on Goodreads, which is pretty incredible. Look for the hardcover debut on October 13.



Get Zandri Thrillers HERE


Friday, December 6, 2019

Audio Books: The New Gold Mine for Authors

Photo courtesy TCK Publishing


For certain, this will be one of those No D’uh, Zandri moments for me. Do Kids actually say No d’uh anymore? Seems there was a time in the late 70’s (I’m dating myself) I used it just about every hour on the hour.

But I digress.

For the longest time, I ignored audio books. That is, audio was one of those items I checked off when publishing my own books via my imprint, Bear Media LLC. You create an eBook…check. You create a paperback…Check. You create an audio book in conjunction with voice talent. Check-a-mundo. You then pretty much forget about the latter two while you concentrated almost entirely on selling those nifty little Kindle Books on Amazon.

Even the audio versions of the books I’ve sold traditionally to numerous publishers went ignored. For those I usually received an advance which I would pocket and move on. Slam bam thank you mam.
But only recently, did I start researching the topic just a little bit more. And when I found out that ACX, Amazon’s audio partner, offered terrific promo opportunities that could actually be converted into cash-in-the-bank, did I become hooked. I also never realized the income stream opportunity I’d been giving up.

ACX offers all authors and the voice talent they partner up with, a certain amount of promo codes which can then be redeemed for free by listeners. The voice talent who narrates my Chase Baker Action/Adventure series was the first person to bring the codes to my attention. I believe his precise words were, “It’s pure gold, man.” I like gold.

I decided to dig deeper.

Checking into my ACX account, I uncovered a whole lot of that gold, just sitting there waiting for me to dig it out (I have over 30 audio books and box sets at present). I immediately set up a new newsletter with a whole bunch of US and UK codes and sent it to my subscriber list. Not that I was still skeptical, but I just couldn’t imagine anyone choosing audio over an eBook or even a paperback for that matter. The written word was meant to be read, not listened to.

But when the codes disappeared within seconds (I kid you not…seconds), and I started getting emails from distraught fans, I knew I was on to something. This was only three or so months back, and since then I’ve given away hundreds of codes (codes are cash don't forget) and sold dozens of audio books, and my author ranks reflect it. There’s no doubt in my mind, that readers love to listen to books and that’s a good thing. No D’uh!

So what will the future bring? Perhaps I will create books for audio first, and then check off the boxes for eBook and paper secondarily. Or maybe I’ll just continue to place equal weight on all three. In any case, I’m going to take advantage of the promo codes ACX offers as well as other promotional opportunities.

“Go listen to a good book.” That has a good ring to it.



Vincent Zandri's new novel is THE EXTORTIONIST

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Who wants a universal basic income?




Or what's better known as money for nothing. Many Dem Socialists are proposing this sort of thing one way or another. Andrew Yang comes to mind since he wants give every household a thousand clams per month even if all you do is sit around in your graying BVDs playing video games (I actually like Yang because he sees the enormous potential of Bitcoin and the Block Chain...but I digress).

I'm not sure if a universal income will ever be possible or if it's even the right thing to do for America. Methinks it's just another way to pander for votes which in my mind anyway, means it's a way of making people subservient to the government. In other words, you become a slave without actually knowing it. This Libertarian author will have none of it, thank you very much.

So my guess is we never see a universal income (not without going broke anyway). But what if a mega-corporation like Amazon for instance, actually offered up a living wage to people who signed on for a program in which they agree, in writing, to only purchase Amazon products? It could happen I guess. It's precisely what happens in my new thriller Primary Termination in which people can receive a comfortable living wage so long as they purchase only Everest Corporation goods and services. The program is called the Everest Primary Program, and its advertising slogan is thus: Imagine, for the first time in your life, living entirely worry free.

The only catch is that if you're caught violating the terms and services of the Primary Program...if you purchase products not sold by Everest...your program will be terminated, and you might find yourself a slave locked up in a prison which doubles as an Everest fulfillment center. And don't think Everest won't know what you're buying, because it's AI Alexa-like machine, called Jacquie, knows all.

She is monitoring you 24/7.

Grab Primary Termination while it's hot off the press:

 

WWW.VINCENTZANDRI.COM


Thursday, June 13, 2019

The Death of the Indie Publisher is Upon Us





Not to be all doom and gloom lately folks, but now that 2019 is half over, it's become plainly obvious (or maybe I've just woken up to the sad reality), that what I once was able to count on as a steady, almost passive income from my indie books is rapidly eroding.

The big question is why.
The simple answer is ads (and this only one part of the answer, but for now, let's focus on this).

I've been using paid Amazon ads for a while now. I've also used Facebook and Book Bub ads. In fact, I just spent over $200 on a Facebook ad that ran just last week for maybe five days (don't tell the wife. Oh wait, I'm not married), and it hardly moved the needle. I'm not entirely sure what distinguishes a good ad from a bad ad, but if I had to guess, successful ads are the ones authors pour tons of money into (I'm talking thousands), as opposed to the ones authors put only hundreds or less into.

In other words, if you're not breaking the bank by upping your ad spend by thousands each month, your books are going to go unnoticed. My guess is that indie authors are also competing with ad budgets of medium and major publishers. For the first time in a long time, I'm beginning to think that what was once the savior of the fiction writing industry--the one thing that could provide an author with a steady income stream that would keep him writing for a living forever and ever, proved but a dream.

No way can I compete with the ad budgets of those who can afford to spend five, six, or even ten thousand per month on ads. Ain't gonna happen. I suppose I could invest in one of those $600 courses some authors are offering up for learning how to use Amazon Ads, but I can bet this will only serve to confuse me more. Besides, if an author is really doing that great with the ads, why go to the trouble of creating time consuming courses? Maybe the question answers itself.

So where does this leave me (us!)?

I guess I could go wide, and move all my indie books back over to Draft2Digital. I already have all my short stories there. But, lets face it, iBooks, Barnes & Nobles, Kobo, and the like don't have nearly the selling power of Amazon, even without the ads.

I could invest more in monthly promos like KND and Book Bub. I already spend hundreds per month on a marketing dude, and he does a great job getting me all sorts of promos. But even during a year where I've enjoyed several Book Bub promos, you can only go to the various wells so many times with your $0.99 promo books. You can only give away so many free books, and believe me, I've given away hundreds of thousands.

Maybe I could increase my subscriber list. I'm steadily doing this, but now Mailchimp is charging even for those who unsubscribe which is like tossing salt in the wound and then viscously pinching it.

I could write more books and just try to win the battle with the power of numbers. But producing a great book not only takes time it takes cash, and now that the return on investment for said book isn't half of what it was even three years ago, it's a speculative gamble at best.

Or, I could make a profound return to the traditional way of doing things, and once again rely on advances and the marketing prowess of a publisher. I'm already doing that, but rather than place a major portion of my energies on the indie side of things, I might concentrate more on the traditional. Like I said, I'll soon have news of a new deal in the making, and without that, I might be ready to pull my toe nails out.

2019 has definitely been a watershed year thus far for the indie publishing world. I predict thousands will drop out, hang it up, and look for work. Luckily, the economy is booming. Luckily I invest in Bitcoin!

I also predict many will once again go back to seeking out an agent who will hopefully nail a book deal or two. Personally, I'm going to stick to hybrid publishing, and continue trying to take advantage of both systems. I do this in the hope that eventually, things will change for the better. Hope is a four letter word, folks.

These are the times that try writer's nerves and separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls. Who's got staying power? Who will survive the storm? Methinks the casualties will be staggering.

WWW.VINCENTZANDRI.COM
   
  

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Luck





Yup, I'm back at Blogger. I thought the change to Wordpress would be worth it, but it turns out most of my subscribers are present on this portal, and it's like starting all over again using a new platform. So there you have it.

I read an interesting blog recently by JA Konrath, arguably one of the pioneers of the indie movement. After selling millions of books he started taking on deals (or a deal anyway) with one of the Big Five pubs, and he sort of disappeared from not only the blogosphere but also from the indie publishing community altogether (I could be entirely wrong about this, and forgive me if I am, Joe, but that's the way it appeared to me). But recently he made a return with some very interesting blogs about the state of the industry including the state of his personal publishing career.

One of his pieces spoke about how he spent a full year working on a huge project which he sent out to some of the Big Five, plus a couple Amazon Publishing imprints (like me he's been pub'd by Thomas & Mercer a bunch of times). He was surprised to find all the pubs rejected his new project. He offered up logical reasons for why this happened, but it came as a shock to me. Here's a guy who was making upwards of $800K per year, until Kindle Unlimited tore into his profits in a big way. Still, he's allegedly moved more than 3mil books (no reason not to believe him), won some awards, done major book tours, has a huge following for both his blog and his fiction, and yet he gets rejected across the board. Huh?

It gave me pause, let me tell you. That's when I proceeded to another blog that talked about what it takes to actually make it as an indie author (as a hybrid author the rules also apply to me). According to Konrath, it's not paid advertising, or relying on "How to Become a Kindle Bestseller" books (the authors are "full of shit" he says, and I tend to believe him), or social media posts that get your books noticed and eventually purchased. These things help get the word out and therefor have their place, taken in moderation. But the key, aside from hard work, consistent output, talent, and focus on one series and one genre, is pure luck.

Take it from me folks when I tell you, Mr. Konrath is spot on. I've been lucky in my career, and I've been unlucky. Generally, the bad luck comes in long streaks, with occasional breakouts of good luck. That said, the bad luck is usually a direct response to a stupid decision or decisions on my part. For instance, the past couple of years I experimented with shorter books and novellas of which I'm proud. But readers don't want short reads. They want 60K words minimum. I also delved into taboo areas like erotic noir, and those projects stunk up the joint (although the reviews were rave). I was putting out books with a medium sized crime imprint also, but it became frustrating since those titles were competing with my own. I also parted with my long time agent, thinking a new slick outfit would be just the boost I needed to get back on track.

But it was all pretty much a disaster. Over the past two years I've seen my income cut in half if not worse. What's it all mean? Going back to what works (just like coming back to Blogger). By the grace of God, my agent took me back and already, we've been making deals, and making some money too. It never really dawned on me until recently, that my agent isn't just an agent, he's a manager. There's a big difference. I also made the commitment to write thrillers and only thrillers, both stand-alone and in my numerous PI series. If I'm experimenting with anything, it's my cyberpunk book, Primary Termination, which will be out soon. A new genre yes, but trust me when I tell you the book is pure Zandri thriller, nonetheless.

I've also decided to pick up some freelance work again...something I'd always enjoyed but got away from over the past couple years. Lastly, I'm not going to put out one book per month (even though I can pretty much write a book per month). Instead, I'm going to stagger my publications (the indie ones anyway), every two to three months. Taken altogether, this is turning out to be a far better year than than the three previous years. My goal (and as Joe points out, it's important to have goals, not reliance on hopes since you have no control over the latter), is to head back into six figure territory this year. Not an unrealistic goal by any means. Chip has already secured me a "nice" offer for a two book deal (more on this coming later), but we're waiting to see what the other interested pubs say. We've done some non-fiction stuff together, and we have solid movie interest in at least two of my projects. That's a huge step up from the big nothing of last year.

All this involves a lot of hard work, but it also involves luck. I was smart to make the adjustment back to what works. I was lucky I realized it before it was too late.

WWW.VINCENTZANDRI.COM





  

     

Monday, March 25, 2019

The Vincent Zandri Vox Site has changed addresses

Hey guys and gals, I'm shutting down the Google Blogger version of the Vincent Zandri Vox starting today and switching over to a work-in-progress Wordpress site...same great content, fun and games, but new formatting and a fresh look. So please, subscribe to the new site!!!

https://vincentzandri.wordpress.com/2019/03/25/primary-termination-chap-9-the-love-scene/

Monday, March 18, 2019

Primary Termination: the cyberpunk saga continues


Dinner with the parents used to be such a fun event, and Tanya has such fond recollections of a simpler time when the family wasn't being monitored by a digital AI device named Jacquie. What started out as a cute little box that could bring up your favorite song on the Blue Tooth device has now morphed into a sophisticated AI that knows you inside and out. It knows what you like to eat and drink and when you want to do it. It knows your bank account balance, your bathroom habits, your moods, even your favorite sexual...well, let's call them proclivities. She's always collecting your data and handing it over to the Everest Corporation...

Enjoy Chapter 2 of Primary Termination



2

The house I grew up in is nothing special, architecturally speaking. But it’s still home, and it’s the most special place for me on earth. It’s what they call a Sears Home Kit. It’s a two-story cottage set among hundreds of other similar cottages inside Albany’s west end, Pine Hills District (vote Democrat via the Everest.com site or your garbage won’t get picked up). Back in the 1920s, you could get everything and anything your heart desired from Sears, from raw hamburger to entire home construction kits. I guess you could say, Sears was the Everest Corp. of its day. The century old home has got hardwood floors, three bedrooms and one bath (upstairs). The first floor contains a living room with a big brick fireplace, a dining room (oh the family dinner memories), a sunroom behind that, and a kitchen with a pantry. The kitchen is a bit too small for eating in, so we all settle into the dining room, just like we did when I was growing up. Like I said, this place holds a special place in my heart.
Speaking of special, I guess the time has come for you to meet the ‘rents.
My dad is already seated at the table, nursing a long-necked bottle of Budweiser Beer. He’s put on some weight in his middle-to-late years. His hair has grayed and is receding rapidly on his round head. He’s never entirely clean shaven, but always sporting some kind of gray stubble, now that he’s sold out and retired. At one time, he owned one of the most successful hardware stores in Pine Hills. He was the go to Hardware Man. In fact, that was the name of the place. Bradly Teal’s The Hardware Man Store. It was a single-story brick and concrete block building set on the edge of the district. I used to work there on weekends along with dad when I was in high school. I swear people came by on Saturdays mostly to chat it up with my dad than they did to buy anything.
But the store is gone now, thanks to Everest which purchased it from dad. Why head out to a store when you can get all your hardware needs online with a less than one hour drone delivery service?
My mom used to be a nurse. She’s about my average height and still has her shape thanks to the Everest Gym she belongs to (Dad does too, but he refuses to use it. He got enough exercise in the U.S. Army, or so he says). She’s still got her thick black hair (it’s dyed now, of course), and it’s presently pulled back in a ponytail while she serves dinner. My mom loves to shop and when Everest first started pushing their women’s wears, she was all over it. She’d spend hours going over the new fashions the same way people used to go through the annual Sears catalogue way back when. Almost every day a box bearing the black Everest mountain summit logo would arrive at the front door. Inside would be a pair of new shoes, or a handbag, or a dress, or all of the above.
If I had to guess, I’d say every stitch of clothing she and my dad wears comes from Everest.com. Mom has always enjoyed the convenience, even if I do keep encouraging her to buy stuff from the few mom and pop shops we have left in New York State (or the world for that matter). I mean, even the malls are gone, other than the ones the Everest Corporation have opened up, their brick and motor bookstores being their biggest attraction.
Dad sips his beer.
“Have a seat, Scout,” he says, while I lean down into him, allow him to kiss my cheek.
He reaches around, pulls my chair out for me, just like he used to do when I was kid. I’ve always thought my parents would have wanted more children, but they never did. Never have I approached the subject with my mother about it, because I always figured if it was something she wanted to talk about, she would have spoken up about it by now (Even when I lived in NYC, mom and me used the Everest Instant Video app just about every day).
I sit down to a placemat upon which is set some of mom’s more expensive china.
“What’s the occasion, Mom?” I say, as she carries a roast into the dining room with both heat mitt-covered hands and setting it in the center of the table.
“It’s not often that our only daughter is home with us,” she says, pulling off her heat mittens, and setting them aside. Then, gazing at dad, “Darling would you mind doing the honors?”
“Sure,” he says, standing and proceeding to slice the roast beef. “Looks like Everest set us up nicely tonight. Smells delicious.”
When he’s through he sets some meat, potatoes, and carrots on my plate. He then does the same for mom. He takes care of himself last. Sitting back down, he raises up his beer bottle.
“What shall we drink to, ladies?” he says, forcing a smile.
“Of course, let’s drink to Tanya,” mom says. “How wonderful to have you back, dear.”
Mom has opened a bottle of wine and there’s a glass of red already sitting out for me. I take hold of the wine glass stem, hold it up. I then clink both dad’s beer bottle and mom’s wine glass, making sure to look both of them in the eyes or else break the good luck spell of the toast. I drink some wine, set the glass back down.
“Not bad, mom,” I say, “where’d you get the wine?”
Mom automatically gazes at dad. He gives her a sort of, You know what to say, look.
“Sarah,” he says, his face deadpan, his tone emotionless, “where do we get everything we buy these days?”
“Everest dot com, darling, naturally,” she says, almost like she’s declaring her loyalty to Der Fuhrer or maybe North Korea’s Chairman Kim. “In fact, Tanya, everything we buy, from toilet paper to life insurance comes from Everest. It’s truly amazing. The food we’re about to enjoy comes from Everest. Dad’s new car comes from Everest, as do the new furnishings in the house. We also consult with our doctors on Everest Instant Video.” She laughs, but it sounds like a staged laugh. “Even the religious services we tune into via live stream on Sunday mornings comes from, you guessed it, Everest dot com. The corporation has really been a blessing.”
“And the Everest Corporation can’t thank you enough for your loyalty,” interjects Jacquie, seemingly from out of nowhere. “I hope you’re finding your dinner satisfactory.”
“Yes indeed, Jacquie,” mom says, once again raising her glass. “Isn’t that right darling?”
Dad forces a smile, as if somehow Jacquie can see him. He drinks down the rest of his beer, and gets up.
“Yup, Jacquie sure knows how to get us our stuff,” he says, not without a little sarcasm. “I’m gonna grab another beer. Anybody want anything from the kitchen?”
“No thank you, darling,” mom says, getting up. “I can get it for you.”
Truth is, not only are they acting beyond weird, but my mother never used to call my dad, darling. It sounds like something out of a Leave it to Beaver rerun. Holy crap, now that I look at her, she’s even starting to dress like June Cleaver.
“Siddown, Sar,” dad says, almost annoyed. “I can get my own beer for God’s sakes.”
He opens the refrigerator, pulls out another beer, pops the top, tosses it into the trash, and rejoins us at the head of the table. I steal another sip of wine and set the glass back down. Mom is quick to refill for me.
“Do you mind, mom?” I ask, taking hold of the wine bottle.
The label is nice. It shows a vineyard with the sun setting on some ripe grapes. It’s a pinot noir and the name of the bottle is Orchard Grove. The harvest is 2026. Reading the back of the label, I see that it’s a New York State wine and that it’s bottled and distributed by the Everest Corporation. Go figure.
“I thought you might have bought this from Jen’s shop near the supermarket,” I say. Jen, being an old friend and local wine shop owner.  
My mother clears her throat.
“Jen’s shop is closed now, dear,” she says. “The supermarket is there, but it’s an Everest Garden-Fresh Market store now. The wine store belongs to Everest too. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“It’s the way everything’s going, Scout,” dad says. “It’s the way everything’s been going for years now. Look at the government, its military and law enforcement collaboration with Everest. Look at the churches, the mosques, the synagogues. Look at your publishing business, or what was your publishing business.”
Setting the bottle back down, I stare at my food. I’ve suddenly lost my appetite and apparently everyone else has too because no one is eating. Only drinking. I gaze at both my parents. They are the rocks I have come to depend on for my forty-two years on this planet. Sure, they have their quirks, especially when they drink. Like breaking out in some old song from the 1980s together, or reciting lines from an old movie called Top Gun. But now…right now…they are acting stranger than I’ve ever seen them act in my life. It’s almost like they are putting on a show for someone.
Jacquie…Primary Membership…never worry about money again…have mom and dad taken the plunge? They’re too independent. They would never sell their souls…
Taking hold of my fork, I pick at the roast, pull off a tiny piece, pop it in my mouth. I have to admit, it tastes pretty damn good. The meat practically melts in your mouth. Everest’s moto of Give the People What they Want, When they Want it, seems to be working like a charm. My parents just continue to stare at one another. It’s like they’re afraid of something, or someone, but too afraid to talk about it out in the open.
I put down my fork. Slam it down is more like it. They both gaze at me, startled.
“Is there any way to turn that damn Jacquie machine off?” I ask.
I know darn well that in a home wired with Jacquie, like my parent’s is, the AI system cannot be disabled. At least, not without going through electronic hoops. It’s not as simple as disabling a cable television wire. But it feels good to say it anyway.
A pall seems to descend upon the dining room.  
“Oh my God, Tanya,” my mother says, “why would you suggest such a thing? Jacquie is our friend. She helps us with everything. Isn’t that right, darling? She gets us our stuff.”
Dad stares at my mother for a long beat or two. I know that gaze because I know my father. What he’s saying is, I hate Jacquie. But there’s a game being played here and I’m sensing he feels he has no choice but to play it.
“That she does, Sarah,” he says. “Jacquie helps us with everything. You should know that, Scout. I’m sure you had Jacquie installed at your apartment in New York.”
He drinks some beer.
“I did,” I say, recalling the now outdated tall narrow box. “But this is different. This feels different.”
Then, as if out of nowhere. “Do you have any specific questions for me, Tanya? I’m equipped to answer just about anything. Every day I get just a little bit smarter, so they tell me. Every minute of every day I’m getting to know you better.”
I feel my stomach tighten up. Both sets of eyes on mom and dad grow wide, like I’ve just violated some sort of secret, sacred code by questioning the need for Jacquie. It’s like I’m living back in the time of the Spanish Inquisition and I’ve just openly questioned the existence of God.  
“No Jacquie,” I say. “I just thought it would be nice to speak with my folks in private.”
“But you are speaking to them in private, Tanya,” Jacquie says. “Keep in mind that all conversations are considered private and confidential and would never be repeated to anyone else, unless explicit permission is granted. Do you find this answer satisfactory?”
My blood is beginning to boil. Because why do I get the distinct feeling my parents have signed up to live like slaves in their own home?
“Yes, Jacquie,” I say. “It is satisfactory.”
“Very good,” the AI says. “Then please enjoy your more than satisfactory Everest dot com dinner.”
I stand up.
“You know what, guys,” I say. “As delicious as this roast is, I’m not very hungry. I think I’ll go for a walk.”
Dad stands.
“Think I’ll join you,” he says.


WWW.VINCENTZANDRI.COM


Sunday, March 17, 2019

Cyberpunk adventure rolls on...


So just imagine it's 2028 and there are no more publishers now that the Everest Corp. and its Cradle Direct Publishing program has eliminated the need for traditional publishers. Okay, I know what you're thinking. "That sounds a lot like...." Sometimes fiction mirrors reality, even in cyberpunk world. But imagine the editors and book production pros who will be out of a job?

That's exactly the position my female, 1st person, protagonist, Tanya Teal finds herself in...

I give you, Chapter 1 of Primary Termination....




1
21 hours earlier

Nobody likes asking their parents for money. I’m the first to admit it. Especially when you’re over forty and you were once considered one of the hottest up-and-coming acquisitions editors in all of New York City. You know, the one with all street creds: Stanford English grad, Columbia MFA in Writing, one of the first under twenty-five year olds to be selected for The Best American Short Stories anthology, the high-powered editorial job at Penguin Publishing, the corner office on the 23rd floor of the Bertelsmann building, the long legs, the tight Donna Karan skirts, the long dark hair, the big brown eyes, and the brains to match. Did I mention I have a Black Belt in Budakai Karate and can shoot out the bullseye with my 9mm semi-automatic at thirty yards?
So having to admit to my folks I had no choice but to give up my Park Avenue apartment for my old bedroom up in Albany because I’m not only broke, but severely in Everest credit card debt, is more humiliating than farting on a first date. Actually, I take that back. I would most definitely take passing gas on a first date over having to ask the folks for money and a place to crash while I put all the broken Humpty Dumpty pieces of my life back together.
The reason? Money and credits means freedom and most guys are assholes anyway.
So now, I sit on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands--the very bed I slept in while in high school (Class of 2006, Go Lions!!!!), the very bed I had my first sexual experience in with Tony Smart, the very bed I cried my eyes out on when Tony dumped me--knowing that I have no choice but to head back downstairs and, like the teenager I once was, face the music from both my overly concerned ‘rents.
God help me. Or should I say, Everest.com help me?
Forgive me for blaspheming, but then I’m not sure equating the Everest Corporation with God is seen as blaspheming anymore. In most circles, it’s seen as the new reality.

But then where are my manners. My name is Tanya. Tanya Teal. I’m not good with names, unless you’re one of my authors (correction, were one of my authors), so half the time I don’t even offer mine up. Ever since smartphones and micro body cams came up with face recognition apps, who needs to memorize names anyway? I’m normally a go getter type of girl who lives for her work. But the work has become a relic of the past now that authors don’t need publishers anymore.
I’m not old yet, not by any stretch of the imagination (or so I keep telling myself), but I can still remember the days before I graduated from writing school (remember MFA in Writing programs?), when there was still four big publishers in New York City, and all the fiction writers who were hoping to be the next James Patterson, Lee Child, or Stephen King wanted a book deal so bad they would gladly sell theirs and their mother’s souls to get one. I read so many great manuscripts back then as a college intern one summer at one of those big four publishing houses, but sadly, 99.9% of them would have to be rejected. Getting a book deal back then was like winning the lottery.
But it wasn’t until I was in grad school and the invention of the Everest Corporation’s Cradle electronic reading device came into being (eBooks), and along with it, Cradle Direct Publishing, that quite suddenly writers, both big and small, talented or untalented, no longer required the services of a traditional publisher to see their book in digital print. Allow me to repeat that precisely because it’s of vital importance…With the introduction of the Cradle and Everest’s Direct Publishing program, publishers were no longer needed. Although it took a few years to actually happen, we all knew back then that our careers were doomed.
Oh Lord, now I’m info dumping…something I always warn my authors against. In any case, here I am, exactly twenty years after the eBook device first hit the markets, forty-something years old, broke, in debt, and back to living with my parents. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Put up a billboard on the street that reads, “New York City Acquisitions Editor for Hire! Slightly Used!”

Standing, I take a quick look at myself in my old dresser mirror. It’s weird because I feel like I’m not looking at me, but just someone who resembles me. Someone dressed like me in snug fitting, faded Levis, brown cowboy boots, loose gabardine button down, silver angel pendent resting against my cleavage and matching silver bracelets on my left wrist. Finger combing my dark shoulder-length hair with both hands, I say aloud, “Freelance editor for hire.”
Just the sound of those words coming from my mouth offers a spark of hope. Now that anyone can publish a book, there’s something like ten times the amount of published authors that existed even a decade ago. That’s a hell of a lot of writers.
“Jacquie,” I say aloud, “what are the chances of me starting my own freelance editing business for fiction authors?”
“You mean, Cradle Direct Publishing authors, I assume, Tanya?”
“Is there anything else?” I respond to the Everest Corp. Artificial Intelligence service.
For those of you who have been living under rock (or still somehow off grid up in the mountains), Jacquie has become like the universal digital Big Sister of us all. Years ago, she started out as a cute little, blue-light illuminated, high-tech box you could install in your living room maybe next to your Blue Tooth device. You might ask her to choose a song for you on the Pandora music app. But since those ancient times she’s blossomed into cloud AI tech, capable of doing everything from reminding you to buy shampoo to reciting your Everest.com credit balance, to giving you advice on relationships, or to just be a sort of an electronic pal and advisor.
She also rules the roost.
By that I mean, she knows when to lock your house down, or turn up the heat or turn it down. She can sniff out fire or a carbon dioxide leak, or even call the police on your behalf should she suspect a prowler approaching. Fact is, there isn’t a whole lot Jacquie doesn’t know about anyone of us living not just in the U.S., but the world over.        
“There were some eBook publishers who were trying to compete with Everest dot com,” Jacquie says. “But like your publisher, they are all gone now. Everest and Cradle Direct Publishing is all that remains. But then, why would a writer wish to go anywhere else to publish his or her books? It’s quite easy. Does that satisfactorily answer your query?”
For some reason I’m still staring at myself in my dresser mirror. I guess I do this because Jacquie is just a voice that resonates in whichever room you happen to be in, and not an actual physical presence, even if at times, she feels like one.
“So then, it makes sense that all of those writers out there are going to require an editor, am I right, Jacquie?”
“Yes you are, Tanya,” she says. “But of the approximately nine million published authors currently utilizing CDP, almost all of them already utilize the services of a professional editor who has already had the good fortune of working at a traditional publishing house. In other words, Tanya, the market is flooded if not saturated with professionals of your skill set. A second overriding problem is that human editors are no longer required while computer based programming provides for a more creative developmental edit, and a more accurate line edit. I hope this is a satisfactory answer.”
My ego, hopes, and dreams suddenly deflated.
“So what you’re telling me, Jacquie, is that human beings are being phased out and I am just plain shit out of luck.”
For some stupid reason I’m waiting for a giggle. Something I might get from one of my girlfriends like Kate, who used to live in the apartment above me down in the city, and who used to work publicity for our publishing house, but who was laid off months ago (she’s already landed on her feet at Everest Corp. in their ever expanding PR division).
“In recognition of that rather barnyard term, Tanya,” Jacquie says, “my suggestion to you is to think of setting your sights on a new line of work. Something perhaps related to your skills as an editor and former writer. Have you thought about applying to Everest dot com’s Public Relations division? It pays two-hundred thousand dollars per year or the equivalent in Everest dot com credits. It’s always expanding. Plus, as you are already aware, the U.S. dollar and the European Euro are slowly being phased out while the Everest Credit block chain replaces them. Employment with Everest only makes sense. I hope this answers your question satisfactorily.”
There, she said it. Exactly what I knew she’d say. And like any red blooded fiction editor out there worth his or her salt, I’d rather hang from the ceiling by my nipples than go into public relations. It’s like selling one’s soul to the devil. Or in this case, Everest.com (thank God Jacquie still can’t read minds, but I’m sure that’s coming one day soon).
I roll my eyes at myself.
“Yes, Jacquie,” I say, “very…fucking…satisfactory.”
“If you wouldn’t mind refraining from the use of crude language, Tanya,” Jacquie says.
Pulling my eyes away from the mirror.
“Sorry.”
The room goes silent for a long beat. I’m perfectly aware that Jacquie is still monitoring me, but I’m suddenly feeling very much alone.
“If I might be so bold as to suggest an alternative option for you, Tanya.”
“By all means,” I say. “Shoot, Jacquie. What the hell do I have to lose that I haven’t already lost?”
Again, she pauses for a moment, as though taking her own sweet time to load up her information.
Then, “Have you heard about Everest Primary Membership?”
Her question gives me pause. I’ve heard of Everest Primary Membership before. It was one of those rumors that ran through our publishing house that everyone pretended had no basis in reality. We only pretended it was just gossip. Just like when the Cradle was said to be coming and along with it, Cradle Direct Publishing.
“Yes, Jacquie,” I say, after a long pause, my mouth suddenly going dry and my pulse picking up. “I’ve heard of the Primary program.”
“Wonderful, Tanya,” she says. “Then you know that, if accepted into the exclusive program, you can not only change your life for the better. You can, in fact, never worry about money ever again. For the first time ever, you will truly enjoy a worry free lifestyle.”
“Never worry about money,” I repeat, as though listening to myself say it will help me believe it. Which it doesn’t.
“Would you love never having to work another day in your life again, Tanya?” Jacquie goes on. She’s really digging into her sales pitch now, the words no doubt coming from a brilliant Everest Corp. mind of someone like Kate. “Wouldn’t you love to do what you want to do every day without worry? Don’t you want to pick up and go wherever you wish to go? Or spend your day doing nothing if you so choose? Don’t you want to sleep late every day, Tanya?”
 I have to admit, the sleeping late part is enticing. But the signing up for life part doesn’t. You heard me right. If I were accepted into the program, and from what I understand, anyone who applies pretty much gets in, you are expected to remain in it for life. No one leaves Everest Primary. They do so at their own risk. Did I mention the part of me that is noncommittal when it comes to something that can last a lifetime? I’m thinking marriage, children, and now, the Everest Corporation Primary Program.  
“It certainly sounds lovely,” I say.
I’m not sure I want to piss off Jacquie here. That is, she has the ability to get pissed off. But I’m not about to risk it one way or another.
“Here’s what I will do for you Tanya,” the AI program, goes on. “I am presently downloading a form for you to fill out at your leisure and send back as an attachment to Everest dot com support. Once the file is processed, I’m sure it will just be a matter of your following the proper protocols, the most important of which, is closing out your bank account, and transferring all cash into Everest Credits. Since all credit cards besides those sponsored by Everest are now a thing of the past, those will not be an issue. See, Tanya, easy peasy.”
“Easy peasy,” I say. “Thanks for thinking of me, Jacquie.”
But really what I want to say is, I hope you melt the fuck down. Pardon my French. On the other hand, how wonderful would it be to never have to worry about money again? Maybe it’s me who should melt down.  
“The application form is downloaded. Please fill it out at your convenience, Tanya. Has our session been satisfactory?”
“Yes, Jacquie,” I say, my eyes now focused on my laptop which sits dormant on my nightstand. “Very satisfactory.”
“Great, Tanya. By the way, your mother is standing at the bottom of the stairs. She is about to call for you.”
Before I can get another “Thank you” out, I hear my mom calling my name.
“Tanya, dinner!” she barks.
“Oh my God, can things get any more like they were twenty-five years ago around here?” I say aloud. But then, we’d have to get rid of Jacquie and Everest for that to happen.
“Be nice to your mother, Tanya,” Jacquie says. “She’s happy to have you home again. So is your father.”
A roll of my eyes.
“Thanks, Jacquie,” I say, as I go for the door.
“You’re welcome, Tanya,” Jacquie says. “Oh and Tanya.”
I stop in the doorway, turn as if Jacquie is a real live woman standing inside my bedroom.
“Yes, Jacquie?”
“You don’t have to roll your eyes.”
A wave of ice cold water shoots up my backbone.
Jacquie can’t see…She can’t read minds...or can she?
“My bad, Jacquie,” I say.
“I hope this conversation has been a satisfactory one.”
“Of course,” I lie.
I head on down to dinner, just like I did when I was a child.


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